Tornado warning in Pune - albeit late !

Abstract

A 15-kg tornado is expected to pass through Pune between Apr 21 – 29. This is to warn all pune-ites ( and Mumbaites for an hour on Apr 21 ) to be prepared. Prevention is better than cure .

Itinerary

ETA around 5 PM on Apr 21 in Pune

Manifestations

4 AM –tight slap on Amma/Appa’s face ( whichever is not quick enuff ) followed by shrill shriek

6 AM – Jump off bed, land with thud and rush into kitchen like pants are on fire. Glass of milk is in order to douse the fire.

7 AM – Grape juice amid karate moves if necessary

8 AM – Breakfast Morning Show ( will buy you 45 minutes of peace )

9 AM - nap if needed. D doesn’t , we will

10 AM – Bath followed by dress up amid karate moves again

10.15 AM – drink water, elaborate prayers with panjapathram ( someone on standby with mop), eat a biscuit if he fancies

10.30 – 11.30 – climb sofa, whack all visible backsides with bat ( pls warn Indubai ) ,read/tear/eat books, bounce ball, pluck leaves, do jhadoo poncha

11.30 – 12.30 - Lunch show

1 PM – Milk followed by sleep ( hopefully )

3 PM – wake up and practice stunts/Tai Chi whatever he fancies

3.30 – 4 PM – Ragi – Evening show ( the same damn CD will begin to get on our nerves )

5 PM – Bath amid major crankiness ( doesn’t like to be taken out of water )

5.30 – 6.30 PM – Outside the house ( the most stressed out person gets to stay home and restore their tissues, ligaments and sanity)

7.30 PM – Park in front of TV for daily dose of spirituality ( Swamiyee Saranam Ayyappa on Vijay TV ) ( intermittent screeches when someone switches channels for cricket score. If you switch it back in 30 seconds, all’s fine. Else expect some heavy duty head banging on sofa handles or your leg )

8 PM – Dinner

8.30 – Brush teeth ( or have it brushed !!) , diaper up

9 PM – milk , water and sleep in that order

After this , all are free to watch TV if you still have the energy.

Precautions

1) Some magic words for all affected parties are – lo-lo, moo-moo, mixie, washing machine, grinder. Of course, you have to be ready to follow up the words with some action . You can’t just say lo-lo and not have a lorry to point. That will earn you a whack on the ear

2) Let go off your TV and newspaper fixation. Repeat after me “It’s not important to watch TV or read paper. It’s more important to preserve your sanity”

3) Get down on your knees and no ! don’t start dusting the cobwebs under the fridge.Look at things from D’s viewpoint. Any shiny nuts, bolts, wheels,china, will attract his attention.

4) Chain all furniture to the wall . It’s been known that this tornado drags chairs to balconies to throw out stuff .

5) Dustbins offer the most educative experience as far as D is concerned. And I am sure he’s right as we are wont to find out if the dustbin overfloweth .

6) Last but not least, anyone causing banging doors, creaking hinges, loud latches during his nap/sleep will be responsible for reinstating the state of sleep. I am tempted to extend this to neighbour’s pressure cooker going off and horn-happy teenagers whizzing around on mobike …but I think there may be a law against me pushing my weight too far.So I will limit it to near and dear family

7) People inclined to sorting confidential and important paperwork frequently ( you know who !) may do so at their own risk. Also papers lying loose on table have a 0.9 probability of finding their way on the floor with accompanying tune of “Bits of paper lying on the floor”.

8) If all else fails, take a dozen aspirin and lie down. You may still not be able to sleep with 15 kgs jumping on your stomach. But it’s the placebo effect – you have done your bit. Baaki bhagwan ke haath mein hai ! Inshallah !

PS

I have forgotten to include pee and poop timings coz they are random and on a need basis. Cues to follow are sudden interest in his own bum and urgent tugging at Amma’s legs or the unmistakable aroma that precedes the onslaught